Since the “Devious Licks” fiasco — a viral 2021 TikTok trend in which middle and high school students vandalized bathrooms — CHS has been regulating bathroom usage by assigning a yard duty to each facility during brunch and lunch. Since there is not enough staff to monitor every bathroom on campus, most bathrooms have been kept closed, leaving only the 500 and 300 bathrooms open. 

The limitation of open bathrooms on campus has been sparking extensive turmoil amongst the student body.

“I literally had to hold in my pee during all of AP Lang since I didn’t want to walk through the rain,” said Tiffany Schwaddock, junior. The AP Language classroom is located in the 200s building, most commonly referred to by students as the school’s ‘bathroom desert.’

“I had to choose between wetting my pants or my entire body,” added Schwaddock. “When I ultimately decided to go, I couldn’t make it in time. I got my body and my pants wet.”

“The lines got so long during passing periods I started doing homework while waiting to pee,” remarked Sydney Grover, freshman.

Unfortunately, this issue has been exacerbated by a recent decision issued by the school board. On Monday, March 13, Principal Perry announced via the school’s weekly broadcast of Good Morning Castaic that all bathrooms will be kept closed until further notice.

“Unfortunately, due to further staff shortage, all bathrooms will be kept closed,” said Mr. Perry in the announcement. “Students are expected to work around this decision and regulate their digestion cycles to avoid potential accidents.”

Mr. Perry continued the statement by elucidating the reasoning behind the decision. “We are doing everything we can to ensure the preservation of our school’s bathrooms and the safety of our students, even if that means shutting down the facilities altogether.”

Since the decision was enacted, students have been struggling to follow Mr. Perry’s advice and “regulate their digestion cycles.”

“I passed out during practice yesterday since I didn’t drink water all day,” said Joseph Smith, sophomore. “I don’t know what the school board’s thinking, but if I gotta go I gotta go!”

Other students have been taking a different approach to work around the unprecedented decision.

“You’d be surprised with how well hypnosis works,” said Timmy Dublin, senior. His morning routine consists of daily hypnosis sessions in preparation for the school day. According to Dublin, denialism is the best way to go.

“The sessions involve affirmations, relaxation, and most importantly, urination — which completely flushes my system before school,” Dublin added.

Clearly, this decision has had widespread repercussions, but the students at Castaic High have been left with no choice but to resort to their own devices. 

This is a work of satire. Any names of students or staff are fictitious. All events or incidents included are fictitious. References to Castaic High School clubs, classes, or policies are satirical in nature. This work is not intended for informational purposes.