Hate Mail to College Board


Ava Paulsen, Editor in Chief

Dear College Board,

How long did it take you to devise the most 

pointless yet paramount test for high school students


Say NO to drugs but YES to the SAT

Even though I could probably get further as a dealer than with a 1600


Dear College Board,

The universities are finally seeing your incompetence


Must be brutal for you

To get rejected by every UC school 


Even Santa Cruz passed you up 

and their mascot is a banana slug


Dear College Board,

Your website’s down again 

You’d think the people who created AP computer science

would be better at computer science. 


But you know

I bet you couldn’t pass the SAT if you had the answer key 

tattooed on your forearm


Dear College Board, 

The liberal arts schools are straight-up friendzoning you 

with their “test optional” option


You saw that coming though

since the majority of them are already in bed with the ACT


Oh the ACT. You two are dumb and dumber


Don’t worry, College Board stays the dumbest. 


Dear College Board, 

I have to give you one thing:


A sincere congratulations on brainwashing an entire nation into thinking 

Your courses hold value 

And your test scores mean something. 


The coercion

You know I’m impressed 


And I think I’d hate you less 

If wasn’t thanks to you 

That we’re all so depressed.