This morning, the Mayor of Castaic, Eric Lawman, has released future plans to reduce the road up to the high school to one lane. The development, reportedly, is to “enhance safety and efficiency.”

“I think this is a great development,” said concerned parent, Judy Motherson, at last night’s March 31 community conference. “This will really improve the traffic flow up to the school!”

The development came to a head in response to the historically terrible delays on Sloan Canyon Road. Students of Castaic High School are late on the daily, all because of the incompetence of drivers. 

“Having one lane is designed to speed up traffic times by significant measures. If everyone is heading in the same direction, how can anyone be going slow? We decided this would be the most productive approach not only to traffic, but to the safety of Castaic’s student drivers,” said Mr. Perry, Castaic High School’s principal, and biggest supporter of the single-lane mandate. He reported that, in an opinion poll recently sent out on the Castaic High School website, the responses are overwhelmingly positive.

Some worry that the change might affect student attendance. These people, though, clearly are blind to the truth. In fact, recent attendance records are off the charts, with more students present than ever before. This improvement, clearly, is not related to the fact that the students simply can’t leave. 

To accommodate this, the PAC is now open 24/7, giving students a place to seek shelter from the elements while waiting for their rides. Cots are provided. 

“I really enjoy getting to spend more time with my friends,” says student Samantha Stockholm. “The single lane has really brought the community closer together.”

In addition to the single-lane road, officials are in the process of discussing the addition of seven more stop signs. For safety, of course. Besides, they’re just a suggestion, anyway!

This is a work of satire. Any names of students or staff are fictitious. All events or incidents included are fictitious. References to Castaic High School clubs, classes, or policies are satirical in nature. This work is not intended for informational purposes.